About three months ago I was having breakfast in this hippie restaurant that serves French toast with honey, when I overheard two couples talking about Ha Long Bay. The first couple asked the second “have you been to Ha Long bay yet?” “Yes” the second couple replied “It was very enlightening”
As I tired not laugh at the stereotypical hippie comment; I thought to myself that, despite never having been to Ha Long Bay, my definition of enlightening was probably quite different than this hippie couple’s and that they were probably really stupid.
After having gone to Ha Long Bay I can confirm that this is indeed the case. The place is about as “enlightening” as Mackinac Island. Yes it is pretty, yes there is some history there, and it is great to go if you have never been or someone else is paying for everything (which is what happened the last time I went to Mackinac Island and will happen if I go back to Ha Long Bay) but seriously, it is all just an overpriced tourist trap, get over it. Just look at this if you don’t believe me…
Gross
Before I start into my rant about the place let me explain how a Ha Long Bay (Long is pronounced Laom BTW) trip works. You take a bus from Hanoi to Ha Long Bay and along the way you stop at a sweatshop that is called a “humanitarian center” and claims to give a portion of the profits to the workers who are disabled (this is BS, they don’t get any of the profit and are paid $50 a month plus free housing and meals). Then you go to the bay, which is a collection of small mountainous islands, get on a huge boat that is REALLY nice and get shuttled around the bay for 2-3 days while staying on the boat. The rooms you stay in are huge for a boat, compared to say, a 42 foot catamaran. Then you go back by bus and stop at another sweatshop. We skipped the bus and went by motorbike, though we stopped at the sweatshops but didn’t buy anything. George used to be a tour guide for Ha Long Bay so he knows where these places are as well as a lot about the bay itself.
Now for the rant. First off lets talk about the prices… even at the rest stops leading up to it everything is at least three times as much as it would be in Hanoi. It was like being back in America, without actually being back in America. Then the food they give you on the boat is not even enough to get you full and the drinks cost more than five times what they should.
Next there is the tourists… maybe this is just me but when I visit a place I want to be around people who actually live in that place as opposed to a bunch of people who are visiting just like me. Like Mackinac Island, the only people that you meet in Ha Long Bay are tourists. Sure there are a few locals who live in the islands, primarily to make money off the tourists, but that is it. There is also something to be said about the type of tourists who visit Vietnam, they feel Vietnamese people have been screwed so royally that they have to hold them to some kind of superhuman elevation or they think that Vietnamese people are incapable of being jerks. The problem with this is that Vietnamese people are pretty much like people everywhere, some are good people who will help you out, but most are in it for themselves. In my book anyone who is trying to overcharge you doesn’t deserve any respect, which would be most Vietnamese people in Ha Long Bay. This difference in opinion makes it very hard for people like me and George to get along with tourist (unless we are being paid to). It also doesn’t help that we were raised in Traverse City where you are taught to hate tourists at a very young age.
On that note a number of funny things happened while we were on the trip that shows how George and I differ from the tourists. In the Old Quarter of Hanoi, there are about 1 million motorbike taxi’s or xe om’s. The only English phrase any of them know is “you go motorbike” but they all screw up motorbike and it comes out “moto buy”. After hearing this 6 million times a week it gets pretty damn annoying, especially when you have no intention of going moto buy. So George and I make fun of them whenever we can, I also tell my corporate class to pronounce motorbike correctly because they are important people and they don’t want to look like an uneducated xe om. Now with that backstory out of the way, wherever you go in Ha Long Bay you are constantly hounded by people in little rowboats trying to sell you overpriced goods. Their line is “You buy!” so George responded “You go moto buy!” then the boat person responds “buy” and George says “No MOTO BUY!” and we laugh… then the tourists look at us like we are hellspawn or something.
The second incident happened when George was talking with someone he knew from back in his tour guide days. He was at the end of a bridge or something and was obviously engaged in conversation in Vietnamese with his friend and out of the way of everyone else. Some stupid tour guide who was Vietnamese took exception to this and yelled at him. George then yelled at the guy in Vietnamese and finished his conversation. After he was done and moved further down the dock the stupid Vietnamese tour guide (on a different tour then us) came up to George and started cursing at him in English, George cursed back and told him he was going to call the guy’s manager. The guy was pretty big and I am kinda surprised one of them didn’t end up in the water. Again there were many stares following the incident.
The other problem, and this is what really makes me wonder how those hippies could have had an “enlightening” experience, is how polluted the place is. It is especially surprising as Ha Long is an UNESCO world heritage site. There is garbage all over in the water, there are about 500 boats with huge engines spewing crap in the water, and there is constant smog (though apparently this comes and goes and is China’s fault) in the air. Really, it is pretty hard not to be disgusted by what is going on, especially if you come from an area of great natural beauty. I can honestly say Ha Long Bay looks prettier on camera than it does in person.
All this being said Ha Long does have it’s high points. There is a cave that is really big, pretty cool and they have done a great job lighting. There is an island that has a decent beach and a neat look out hut at the top of the mountain. Plus we got to see a bunch of cargo ships like the ones being hijacked in Somalia and I got to be on a boat and talk like a Pirate! Yarr!
Kayaking was also fun. I wasn’t going to go at first because George said it was going to cost a bunch of money. But apparently the company got some cheap Kayaks, that were more like glorified paddle boards so we could go for free. The kayaking was an optional way of seeing Monkey Island (just like the computer game about pirates!). You could go by Kayak or sit in a rowboat, the journey included going through a cave. George brought his new puppy Me Chew (how it is said) on the trip and he went with me in the kayak (I also held him while he went “swimming”). While at monkey island we actually saw a monkey! George’s wife Quyen immediately took a liking to the monkey and George soon announced that we would be buying a monkey. “OK!” I replied, our house is turning into a menagerie.
The trip back was also eventful because I got lost right outside Hanoi and had to find my way back by asking random people. So since something went wrong I guess you could technically call the trip an adventure but that is kind of pushing it… I mean really aside from maybe 3 times when cars almost hit George or I head on, there were no brushes with death… Where is the adventure in that?
I will say this though… If I come back next fall, I am going to be a Ha Long tour guide in addition to teaching English. Why? Even though I hated the trip the tour guide gig is pretty good. Four days a week and free room and board on the ship and all I have to do is keep people happy. Plus all they have now are Vietnamese guides who are pretty dumb and speak little English. Also like I said, I would be on a boat and that really feeds my piratical appetite.
Tags: child labor, Ha Long Bay, Ha Long Bay is Overrated, hippies, Mackinac Island, sweatshops, tourism in vietnam
